Sue Bowles Steps Ahead Breaking the Stigma of Mental Health Struggles: Resilence in Life and Leadership Episode 040

Stephanie has an incredible conversation with Sue Bowles, a survivor, author, speaker, and an overcomer breaking the stigma of mental health issues.

Sue Bowles is a survivor turned award-winning author, speaker, and Master Certified Professional Coach.
She leads My Step Ahead, an organization committed to breaking the stigma around mental health struggles. "You only have to be a step ahead to help the person behind you" is the bedrock to the value Sue brings. She helps stuck people get unstuck by discovering Hope, journeying together for the next step ahead.

Whether speaking on a podcast, stage, or one-on-one, Sue's enthusiasm is contagious, shining the light of hope wherever the listener needs, cheering them to see their dreams become present reality.

Get 5 Tips to Being Unshakable and Sue's website!
https://www.suebowles.com/
https://www.suebowles.com/podcast - Podcast offer

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

INSPIRE your team to LEAD WITH SUCCESS and MOTIVATE others with Stephanie bringing 20+ years of speaking experience. If you need to EMPOWER, ENGAGE, and EDUCATE your people-Book Stephanie as your speaker today!

https://www.stephanieolson.com/ask-stephanie-to-speak

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com
https://outlawstreamers.com/

Transcript

Stephanie Olson: 0:03

Welcome to resilience in life and leadership with your host Stephanie Olson, speaker, author addictions sexual violence and resiliency expert. Hello. Welcome to resilience in life and leadership. Sue Bowles is a survivor turned award winning author, speaker and master certified professional coach. She leads my step ahead, an organization committed to breaking the stigma around mental health struggles, you only have to be one step ahead to help the person behind you is the bedrock to the value Sue brings. She helped stuck people get unstuck by discovering hope, journeying together for the next step ahead. Whether speaking on a podcast stage or one on one suits, enthusiasm is contagious, shining the light of hope wherever the listener needs, cheering them to see their dreams become present reality. Welcome, Sue. Hello, and welcome to resilience and life and leadership. And I am here with Sue Bowles. Sue, welcome.

Sue Bowles: 1:06

Hello, Stephanie. Looking forward to this. Thanks for having me.

Stephanie Olson: 1:09

Oh, gosh, thank you for being on, you've got quite a story. And I'm really excited to hear it right now. You're a coach, and you're doing a whole bunch of things to help people you're an author. But why don't you tell me how you got to where you are today.

Sue Bowles: 1:28

It is a bit of a journey. Just a little bit. Yeah. It's a 180 from where I was headed. So as I get into this, let me give your listeners a quick trigger warning here, a couple things I'm getting ready to talk about has to do sexual assault has to do with eating disorders and being suicidal. So if any of those topics can be potential triggers for you, please, if you need to shut the show off and come back later and make sure you have a self care plan in place. Please do that. I never want my story to do harm to anybody else. That's not what I do this for. And it's the exact opposite. I want my story to help other people.

Stephanie Olson: 2:05

I really appreciate that. Thank you so much, Sue.

Sue Bowles: 2:08

so having said that, in the life has been a lot of twists and turns, and I didn't know it. And it starts in first grade. When after school one day, a classmate enticed me into the woods on school property after school, held me against my will for 45 minutes and proceeded to rate me more than once.

Stephanie Olson: 2:31

Sorry, t

Sue Bowles: 2:32

Thanks.

Stephanie Olson: 2:32

A first grader did this?

Sue Bowles: 2:33

this first grade seven years old. Wow. Wow. And and I'll come back to that in a little bit of how things have turned so much. But Bobby's last words to me, put me in a prison. And I didn't know that I was being sentenced that day. And he simply said, Don't tell anybody. And I didn't know what had happened. And mind you this is early 70s. So rape was not on this radar. We were not talking about it. You weren't talking about it. You might not even know what it was. You certainly weren't talking about it with a seven year old. It just it just wasn't on the radar. So I am very quick to say that the only person who did anything wrong that day was the boy who raped me. Okay. It took me a long time to buy into that though. That's part of that was part of the healing journey. But that it ended up becoming a 15 year secret over a decade, oh my gosh, and it came out my senior year of college, I think was a couple months before I graduated. And I was in a conversation with the person who was my dean of students, he moved on to another position if you kind of become my confidant and counselor for years, and I didn't know that it wanted to come out. And it kind of came out and surprised me and surprised him. Wow. Yeah. Now, in between that 15 years of being imprisoned versus getting out of prison. There was a lot more that happened. There were other sexual assaults from some neighborhood kids. There was I grew up in an alcoholic... dysfunctional family. So as the alcohol started taking over in some in high school, but even more so in college, you know, it was it was it showed you know, there as in any situation when you have a an addiction happening, there's some emotional abuse that happens. And the thing is, I wouldn't be very equipped to say that all the relationships have been restored, and they're actually better than they ever have ever been.

Stephanie Olson: 4:40

Wow, that's amazing.

Sue Bowles: 4:42

We have all done the hard work of healing and we'll come back to that. But in the course of all that twice, I was suicidal. I did not attempt but I was to the point I was ready to. I developed an eating disorder in college. And anyone who's familiar with that knows that an eating disorder is an addiction. Yeah, it is shrouded in secrecy. Yes. And what I've learned as I wrote the book, I learned a lot about myself in that process. And one of the things that I came to realize, even though I knew I was insecure in college, I didn't really have an understanding of how that was coming out. I kind of knew, but I didn't know how to explain it. I couldn't identify it. It was just, it was just who I wasn't what I did. That's what what I ended up doing was I realized that I didn't feel like I mattered. Yeah, I felt like I was a waste of space. Yeah. And so if I was seen, I felt I got my value by being seen. So I got over involved in campus activities. Because what how I ended up learning is that if I was seeing, I felt like I had them. Sure, sure, I had value I mattered. So there's that going on behind the scenes. But then the other part of it was that with the eating disorder, eating disorders have nothing to do with food. Absolutely nothing

Stephanie Olson: 6:09

all control.

Sue Bowles: 6:10

It's it's control, trying to control something in your life that feels out of control, even if you can't identify it yet. Right? Right. And I've come to learn what those issues were. But they have to do with emotions that have not been resolved about right usually has to do some kind of trauma or something in your background, that hasn't been resolved. It's really not about self image. Because even self image issues, when you strip it down have to do with something else.

Stephanie Olson: 6:37

That's right.

Sue Bowles: 6:38

There is just like a secondary issue. There's still something underneath what is that insecurity? That anxiety that fear that lie, you're being told underneath the the insecurity, that's what the root issue is, it's even just kind of having to drill down really deep to get to the root. So what was the eating disorder? If I stayed busy? I didn't have to think. And if I didn't have to think I didn't have to feel. And if I didn't have to feel I didn't have to deal with my stuff. That's right. So I was in avoidance, like crazy. So we had all that going on. And going back to seven years old. There's a lot of studies out you see on the internet scans of the brain, that trauma literally rewires your brain, because you go into fight, flight or freeze. That's right. And your brain processes things in one of those three channels. So here I was seven years old, when your mind is really starting to develop it, they call it you know, and I didn't have a chance to be a normal kid. Because from the start, I was operating in either fight, flight or freeze. And I froze. My emotions were frozen in time that day. And the longer you're in the freezer, the thicker the ice gets. Oh, wow. Yeah. Think of that. Think of that item that's in the back corner of you free, right? That's right on it. And you're like, wow, I didn't know that was there? How much frost accumulates longer that thing stuck back there? Yeah, that's what was going on with my

Stephanie Olson: 8:21

What a great analogy. I like that.

Sue Bowles: 8:24

So So it's that that is what was, and for the longest time, I let those events define me. I was, I was great. I was this, this happened to me. And that was my identity. But, but that's not who I am. Those are events. Those are sad, heartbreaking events. Those are traumatic life altering events. But they, they're not who I am. And they're not. I let them I convinced myself they were who I was, but it wasn't right. Through a whole lot of hard work healing over a number of years, decades. That's not a lot. No, those those events don't define me anymore. I define the effect they have on me, because I have come out on top. Now they are scars that tell a story of hope. Yes, I use that word scars because all of us are wounded. All of us have things that hurts where we have been injured. Think about when you cut your arm, or you maybe need stitches. You have a wound on your arm and it's bleeding. And it is susceptible to infection unless you properly treat it. You could put a little band aid over it but if you need five stitches, a band aid is not going to do you good and instead it's going to be even more susceptible to infection. So taking that analogy and apply buying it to my trauma. I had life altering events. And they were wounds. But I was not treating them. I was putting a bandaid on them, and it got infected even more. Wow, yeah. And the more infection there is, the harder it is, the longer it takes to heal, you have to have more treatment, do more things to if you're that cut, if you don't get the stitches right away, and it's, you know, you're going to have even more, it's going to hurt more to heal, the longer you take to deal with it. Right. So I have gone through that process. Thankfully, gut wrenching, not for the faint of heart wouldn't trade a second for the world. Now I have healed moods. And when and when you after you have your stitches out, you have a scar there. And someone says, Hey, we're having your arm, you're telling them the story of your scar? Yeah, I now have scars, emotional scars, that are now stories of hope for others that help light their path for whatever they're going through that.

Stephanie Olson: 11:08

And that is what it's all about. That is so important. So now, can we talk a little bit about the eating disorder and how you went into recovery for that? So what eating disorder did you have?

Sue Bowles: 11:29

I am in recovery from OSFED which stands for other specified feeding and eating disorder. And it's actually cool because they were recording this is this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, by the time this airs, it'll be passed. But yeah, it's it's, I did a presentation at work this morning about eating disorders, because it's all about raising that awareness. In the eating disorder. The eating disorder I have is not one of the big three people think about you think eating disorder,

Stephanie Olson: 11:57

Anorexia, bulimia, and what I mean, I have binge eating disorder as well as recovery from anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder. Yeah, those are the three disorders kind of newer in the realm of conversation.

Sue Bowles: 12:16

Yeah, right. Yeah, this is the three big ones. The handout I put out today, there are 12 different types of eating disorders. Now, some of them all. Yeah, and some of them are not, you know, I think there's only five that are in the actual DSM, DSM manual, or for diagnoses in the medical field. But mental health professionals also address and acknowledge these other ones. And there are some I had not heard of, which was kind of interesting. But But anyway, so the eating disorder I have means that I don't fit all the diagnostic criteria for any other eating disorder. So which adds to the stigma which, right? Absolutely, because when people you know, my guess is when your listeners hear the word eating disorder, they get an image in their mind, most likely, either skin and bones are really overweight. And I am neither. Right, right. And if I don't tell people that I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, they would probably never know. Because here's the thing, eating, there's no look to an eating disorder. That's correct. Eating disorders affect men and women, they are the second most lethal of all mental health struggles. Second, only the opioid addiction. And that is only a more recent flip in these eating disorders used to be the most lethal, not only because of the suicide, but then also because of the damage that is done to the body. Yeah. So there's so much misinformation out there about eating disorders. It's not a diet gone bad. It's not about reality. It's not it's not about any of that. It's an addiction. And whatever the issue is behind the scenes, that's how it comes out. Right. The difference is that in any other addiction, one of the big keys to recovery is to abstain. Yeah. My brother and my dad are in recovery from alcoholism. They are they abstain from alcohol? Yep.

Stephanie Olson: 14:14

So a whole lot easier to

Sue Bowles: 14:17

an eating disorder. You can abstain from food if you want to live

Stephanie Olson: 14:20

No, no.

Sue Bowles: 14:23

So you have to figure out how to have a good relationship with food or food is no longer the enemy, which was when I first heard that phrase relationship with food. I'm like, what? And it makes sense now. Yeah. Because if you if you are if you have angst towards eating, you have angst in that relationship. That's right.

Stephanie Olson: 14:46

Wow. So that's, that's really good. I I think people really struggle with that a lot. And I think eating disorders are such an epidemic. You And, and for that very reason. And I think about all that has happened recently with the pandemic and, you know, people who are having disordered eating throughout that with all of the anything in the mental health arena, it's just been a very, very difficult struggle for people.

Sue Bowles: 15:22

It has, if you think if one good thing has come from the pandemic, it's that mental health and eating disorders have come to the forefront. Yeah, yeah, people were talking about it more mental is school counselors are more aware of it. Parents are more aware of it. Even the medical field is finally more aware of it. Because I say that because BMI is not

Stephanie Olson: 15:43

No kidding. Thank you.

Sue Bowles: 15:48

BMI does not take into consideration. muscle mass, nope. Which is more dense and heavier than fat. That's right. So if your doctors only looking at your weight compared to your height, there, and they think you're overweight, which in my case, my BMI with my doctor will tell her I'm overweight, and I'm not overweight. Yeah, you know. And then I tell the story, it's kind of funny, because my last checkup last year, I saw accident, she's looking flew my chart. And I hear like, I know what she's looking at, because I know what's going on here. And she looks at me, she says, we didn't get any shorter. So I really knew what she was talking about. And I'm like, don't make me educated. I'm not going to like it. My How am I and muscle mass to you? Yeah. At that point in time, I had not. It kind of concerned me a little bit like I never suddenly you put on there wasn't much but what happened. And I was talking to my dietician about it. She said, Sue, you just finished physical therapy, you put on muscle, and you're continuing to do stuff at home, you gain muscle mass. I'm like, That explains why I don't feel any difference. That feels right. any different at all? There was no issue with clothes, there's no issue with anything. And like, but what is it? What's going on here? And it was funny that my doctor really went first started looking at them, like, just don't go there. Just don't go there. Because if you do, I will follow up and you're not?

Stephanie Olson: 17:28

Well, I think that there is so much misinformation about weight loss, there is so much misinformation about what people should weigh or BMI. And I think, you know, there's I literally just saw something where somebody claimed to lose, like 10 pounds in three hours. Come on. Okay, come on. Yeah, 10 pounds in three hours. And first

Sue Bowles: 17:58

First of all, I call bull, second of all I have a real concern for your health.

Stephanie Olson: 18:02

Well, and it's so frustrating to see that because there are so many particularly young people who are falling into this, this idea that that skinny equals optimal health. And just like you said, when it comes to true health, you cannot look at a person and say, Wow, they're they're completely healthy.

Sue Bowles: 18:30

Yeah, that's it. One of the things that I when I first went into recovery, sort of working with a dietitian, I had to learn how to eat. Yes. And that sounds right. Sounds really weird. But but here's the thing. fats, proteins and carbs are all needed on a daily consistent, balanced way. Correct. Fats are the only thing that protects your bodily organs, your vital organs and give you a sensation of being full. Yeah, carbs are the only thing that gives you brain energy. And protein is the only thing that rebuilds your strength. Yeah, so if our body is designed to need all three, and diets are based on restriction, why are we going against how our body is designed? That's right. So in my case, because I had cheated my body of the proper nutrition for so many years, when I when I say I had the real I hadn't learned how to eat. First of all, I had had to get used to listening to my hunger cues, because I had learned to shut them down by snacking. So because if I again if I wasn't hungry, I didn't have to feel right think and deal. So So with all that, I my homework my first week, my dietician was just when you're hungry, eat. I just had the word yes. Oh my gosh, was it ever and then we moved into just breakfast Just work on your exchanges for breakfast. And what I mean by exchanges is my meal plans based on the diabetic exchange system, were based on the serving size of a food label, you will see, say the serving sizes, the half cup, half cups going to have so many micro grams of fats, carbs and proteins in it. And then you take that, and then figure out how many grams of that equal one serving of something, you know, and you kind of figure it out. So, and that was really frustrating. A really confusing for a long time. Yeah. Because all of the eating disorder whispers of You're so stupid. Why can't you figure this out? Mm hmm. Really, really loud? Yeah. And we talked a whole lot about that. But I still remember the day when my brain started to clear, my dietician kept telling me you are not your eating disorder. That isn't that's your eating disorder voice. That's not you. And because the longer you are in in disorder, and addiction, you become enmeshed with it. And you can't tell yourself from somebody else. It just is. And that was such a critical point. So I remember over a couple months, but I remember being in the little kitchenette at work. And one of my red flags is if I get overwhelmed food choices, I just shut the refrigerator door, say screw it, I'll just go snack. So that was happening at work. But one of the things as I started realizing that I'm not my eating disorder, and you may be familiar with it, a lot of people find it beneficial and helpful to give their eating disorder a name. I named my eating disorder, Ed. So I literally talk out loud at not loud for Buddy the office to hear me to hear. And what and this particular day, I shut the door. I was getting ready to just skip it. And I'm like, ED Shut up. That's all I anything happened. I would just like edge Shut up. Yeah, just yeah, that's all I would say. And then the key to it, though, is doing the exact opposite of what your eating disorder voice is telling you to do. Yeah. So Ed was telling me is too much chemic food choice, you can decide you want to get yogurt cheese refrigerator of your meal, right? You know, I had a 5050 chance and I got it wrong. Instead of that it was okay, No, shut up. And I'm going to make myself do this. Right. So what ended up happening though, is that this particular day, I was starting to, you know, my body was starting to recover a little bit. And I remember how clear my brain was, it literally fell on my brain was split. Because I was like, my brain feels more clear. And I didn't understand I didn't, I didn't realize or understand the eating disorder fog. Because again, my brain was was not getting the nutrients it needed. Now, what that meant, what my body had to learn over time, was that I would take care of this. So for a while there, it was getting the good stuff, and it's kind of hoarding it. And I noticed that and I, again, talk that through as your dietitian, because, you know, every little thing when you're trying to fight this thing, you talk about every little Yes, yeah. So we talked about that. And she said, Sue, just keep doing what you're doing, as your body learns that it can trust you, and that you are going to give it what it needs on a consistent, balanced basis, it will level out. Because my body knows, and I've learned to listen to it. And I've learned to respond to it. Right. So even though there was that initial, you know, my body was reacting and hoarding. And I felt that I kind of had that bloated feeling. That dissipated as my body realized that there was a new note and there was a new normal, and it could trust in that normal.

Stephanie Olson: 23:48

And that takes a long time to get to that adjustment. Oh, yeah. So Sue, how, how did you learn because sometimes people don't even recognize that their eating is disordered. Especially when you know, it's not your typical anorexia or bulimia. How did you discover that? Or, and maybe you already knew the whole time, but how did you discover that you were struggling with an eating disorder?

Sue Bowles: 24:20

I kind of I knew but I didn't know. Yeah. And what I mean by that was, I would call it indirect sick tendencies, or odd eating behaviors. But I never called it an eating disorder. Because to me, that was my it was really bad. Yeah, control because eating disorders are not controlled. Equals ly. So what happened for me was that I had for a number of years there. People weren't sure what to say. They were. I remember going to my pastor's house for Christmas Eve. Dinner after Christmas Eve service, my roommate and I and they were serving food. And I remembered they were certainly fixing my plate. But they looked at my roommate to see if it was if it was the serving size was okay. Really? Yeah. But no one. No one ever said it's, too I'm concerned because I see these behaviors. Hmm, no one. But they all doing? Yeah. But so what? What happened? What what ended up happening though is that even though I have that situation where people knew and didn't know what to say, I What kept it for me was I had some speaking in my life. And what, what I have learned and when I speak, I say this is that you have to be bold, to express the concern. But there are so many cautions in what and how and when. And the first caution is, Are you the right person? Because, as with any addiction, there are a lot of defenses, right? The person involved is living in a lie. So therefore, they're light. But the lie is truth to them. Right? Right. Right, you are coming up against someone who can't tell truth from lie. And they've been duped, and they've come in been enmeshed in it. And it's not their fault. It's the nature of the addiction. That's right. So you have to be the right person. First of all, not everyone is going to take that expression of concern. I'm not saying confrontation, the expression of concern from everybody. Right, you have to be the right person. So if you are that right for it, yeah,

Stephanie Olson: 26:45

yeah. Well, I'm just curious, because, and you're going to answer my second question. So I'm just gonna let you talk on that one. But how do you know if you're not the right person?

Sue Bowles: 26:57

That's a great question. I think you have in your gut, you know, if you can have those deep level conversations, if your relationship is more of that as an acquaintance, or a funless, go out kind of friend. And more, for lack of better phrase. surfacey. Yeah. And, you know, good for companionship and laugh. Right, right. Hang out, let's go have coffee, but we're not really having. You haven't had a real heart to heart. Yeah, your other person is not opening up to you, and you don't feel safe opening up to them. Right. That's, that's your, there you go right there. If you have if the foundation of the relationship is such that it's more of social, or more of a convenience, and not in it for the long haul. If you're in your knees, I'm in there with you. Yeah, that's how you know, because, you know, I could have people say something to me. And I'd be like, you don't? You don't know me? Right? Right. You know about me, but you don't know me. So I think I think you when I think you after evaluate how what's the depth and level of the relationship of what you feel with that person? Right. And they feel with you? Because if you likewise, don't feel safe or comfortable opening up to that person? Yeah, they're not gonna take it from you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You're gonna be another person saying the same old thing that everybody else has said. And you don't know them.

Stephanie Olson: 28:33

And I would add to because I think for some reason with weight, I don't know if we do this with anything else. But I would add, if you're, or if you have somebody in your life that is hounding you on, you know, call, either I'm going to call them names, so they stop eating, or I'm going to call them names. So they keep eating or whatever it may be. That just doesn't

Sue Bowles: 28:59

know. Oh,

Stephanie Olson: 29:01

so if that's the part that would not be a safe person, obviously, to that conversation.

Sue Bowles: 29:08

You are expressing literally a concern over the life or death of that person. Yeah. You are loving them enough to put the relationship on the line. Yeah, yeah. But you can't you don't know. By evaluating the depths of the relationship.

Stephanie Olson: 29:25

That's good. Okay, then I interrupted you. So what is that? What does that look like? What are you saying? So go ahead.

Sue Bowles: 29:32

So but so when you know, you're the right person? Yeah. When you address it and how you address it makes a world of difference. Because terminology is everything to someone in it caught up in an eating disorder. Yeah. Because if you look at them and say, Man, you really lost a lot of weight. That's validation to them that hey,

Stephanie Olson: 29:54

thank you.

Sue Bowles: 29:55

Yeah, I have no reason to change my life. That's right. That's right. Compared to I'm, I'm concerned for you, because I've noticed after dinner, you tend to isolate and go to your room by yourself each night. And I missed that interaction. That's isn't that a whole different message?

Stephanie Olson: 30:15

Yeah. And we're not even talking about weight. We're not even talking about food. Yes, you're talking.

Sue Bowles: 30:21

You're talking about observale behavior.

Stephanie Olson: 30:23

That's great.

Sue Bowles: 30:24

Or, you know, I've noticed in our interactions, that there seems to me there seems to be some tension that isn't usually there. Right. Can we talk about that? I don't like that. I value our relationship too much to let that go. I love that, you know, coming at it from the if statement, the basic communication thing, not you. Because if I look at you say, Stephanie, you Yeah, what's your reaction? Your walls? Walls? Right, exactly. But if I say it's definitely I'm concerned, concerned, when I see this not I'm concerned for you. Because again, it's you. Yeah, but yeah, take take the person out of that. And focus on the behavior. Yeah. Because the observable behavior can't be denied. Right. Now, they may argue interpretation. That's a different ballgame. But you already have common ground that the behavior is not being argued. They're not denying that the isolate, they're denying why they isolate, yes, different things. You look for the common ground first, and then you build from there.

Stephanie Olson: 31:33

That's good. So how long did it take you to get from eating disorder to okay, I'm, I'm in recovery. I'm, I'm doing much better.

Sue Bowles: 31:45

I started with a dietitian in July of 2016. So I am just coming into six years. So I would say that I started my recovery journey, and I was in counseling long before then I'm still in counseling is still the same kind of counseling

Stephanie Olson: 32:01

Counseling's a good thing.

Sue Bowles: 32:02

Oh, my gosh. Holy smokes, I am so blessed that my gosh, a first week in April, we are going to celebrate

Stephanie Olson: 32:12

14 years. Oh, wow. That's great.

Sue Bowles: 32:15

And I I have gone places. I didn't know I needed to go. And I definitely needed to go there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And she specializes in eating disorders, which makes lousy. Yes, yeah. And griefs, we get through it get through lose a mom. And so I have the criminal, the crown. So yeah. But that in terms of when I entered recovery, I started I went, I started meeting with a dietician and went back to get my meal plan. To me that is when I started recovering. Now, recovery doesn't mean it's done. No. Recovery doesn't mean you've arrived. No, because I haven't arrived, right. But that's the day that I drew the line in the sand, and did a 180 and started to get out of the holes and I dug, therefore I was in recovery.

Stephanie Olson: 33:06

That's a beautiful way to say that. I absolutely love that. Because we're going to have days that are more difficult, or we're going to have days where it seems you know, it's it's your comfort or your go to and it's it's overcoming those things. I mean, that's what resilience is all about. That's, that's I love how you said that. That's amazing.

Sue Bowles: 33:29

And to that point, you I just met my dietician. Two days ago, I met my counselor last night in I've had some of those off days over the last couple of weeks. I'm aware of them, right, I'm doing what I can to fight them. And part of that is telling my dietician about it. So we could kind of work through it. And we came up with a plan and that I told her that that takes the pressure off just already knowing that takes the pressure off. So now I can come home and execute it after I get off work. But in the course of that conversation, I had not made this connection. And partners like you've been doing this long enough why he's making that connection. And like, you know what, Ed Shut up. That's my, that's my eating disorder voice blaming and shaming me. That's right. And instead of buying into that, it's simply okay. I have now learned that the work my counselor and I are doing on some unexpected triggers is stirring a lot emotionally that I may not realize on the outside, but that's what's happening. And that's why suddenly my red flags are coming up why I'm seeing this happen or that happened. And that also was very enlightening for me and help me take myself off the hook. Yeah, because then I understood. I didn't have to get mad at myself because I understood it was the eating disorder raising its ugly head in relation to emotions, in trouble dealing with US deja vu way back when to call her. So yes, it can still come up and try to sneak up from behind. But when you have that recovery team, and when you have some some distance behind you, you are more as more attuned to the tactics. And then you realize you really are not creative, are you?

Stephanie Olson: 35:24

You keep telling me the same stuff.

Sue Bowles: 35:26

Oh, I'm gonna buy into that this time. You might have duped me for a second. But really? Yeah, well, really boring.

Stephanie Olson: 35:36

Love that. Well, and it's all about feeling those feelings, those emotions and being willing to sit with those. And that's uncomfortable. That is not fun. Yeah.

Sue Bowles: 35:50

Because when you're active in your disorder, feelings are the enemy. Yeah. And therefore food is the enemy. Yeah. And you're, it's hard enough to have to deal with the food. Yeah. But when you are dealing with the cause of the issues behind the food being the issue, right, it is a double edged sword. I took a year off from writing my book when I first went into recovery, because that was also the time I was finally dealing with the rape over four decades after the event. I didn't, it was all I could do to focus on getting through the day. So what and as I look back, that was one of the best things of self care I could do is just put the book on the shelf, and just do the hard work of healing. Knowing the book would take care of itself when it was time. That actually was not a disappointment. That was the best thing I could have done for me. And for the finished product.

Stephanie Olson: 36:51

Good for you. So what a fabulous segue, why don't you tell us about your book?

Sue Bowles: 36:58

That was not planned for sure. I do have one nearby. So this much I know the space between. It's on Amazon and Kindle. And the concept in the book is my story. The first half of the book, that limb backup. The concept as a title isn't this much I know is my story. All of us have a story. Yeah, your life is your story. That is the one thing no one can ever take from me. The second half the space between talks about the healing journey of going from having wounds, to having scars. And that process. I go into much more detail about a number of different things that happened when I was growing up and through college and after college. All of that common thread of woundedness. And how kept piling on and piling on and piling online wasn't digging out. And then the second half talks about the healing journey. My healing started in 2014. Six only been seven and a half years. Guess going on eight years now. Yeah. That was the year we're dealing with the rape. But it not oddly enough, for coincidentally enough was sort of looking for purposefully enough. There was a retreat that I went on in the fall. Earlier in the year, there was a movie that came out about rich Mullins, he's a big Christian musician. 97 is big song is awesome God, and they did a movie about his life. And the first 20 minutes were really hard watch for me for me because they hit home. Wow. But again, I wasn't in recovery. And I didn't I didn't want to be found out because I had put on all these masks that Suze Okay, yeah, so even when I'm wiping tears, I'm like doing this doesn't matter my Yeah. You know, if you know that thing. So anyway, so in the fall, they did a retreat, to carry on the conversation about the themes. And I was supposed to go to Nashville to see friends and I just kind of kept feeling that hard time. And I was going this way with that. And I was I was in a Push Me Pull You situation. And I finally gave him up for the retreat. With the retreat, they opened up a Facebook room a couple of weeks before the retreat. So anyone is going on retreat and get to know each other. This first year there were 50 of us. We were all total strangers. The only thing we had in common was this movie. Wow. They asked us to share our story. Oh my god, I had never shared my story publicly. Never about the rape or anything. So I lurked and I stopped every everybody else out three days. commented encouraged likes that kind of thing. But wasn't telling mine morning. You know how Get the heart just pounding out of your chest, you start to sweat that I was like, Okay, it's my turn it literally put on a pot of coffee. And for the first 30 minutes, typed out my story for the first time ever, I was shaking. I was crying. I was a mess. It was literally four o'clock in the morning. And I hit post, and I expected to be trashed the rest. Because that's all I had ever known. So why would I expect anything else? We are now seven and a half years past that first post. I have yet to hear one negative comment. Not one. Instead it was You're so brave. Ugh, I appreciate you. Wow, thank you for sharing. All I want to meet you all these things that started my healing journey because I had a place where it was okay to not have Okay, yeah. That weekend, I went into that we can call myself the holy exception. I was imploding again. I was not doing well. I was starting down the spiral. And I had convinced myself I had bought into the lie. Yeah, right. I was a waste of space. I called myself the holy exception that everything in the Bible was good enough for everybody else. But me. That was too screwed up too far gone waste of space. Over the course of the weekend, I left there saying for the first time and starting to believe that Jesus Christ loves me and not only loves me, he actually likes me. Yeah. Then he's absolutely crazy about me.

Stephanie Olson: 41:34

And he knows everything about you and still likes you. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Sue Bowles: 41:39

So that started it. And a staff member has since then, that that first retreat was like a Hail Mary for me. Was I lovable? Could could God really love me? Could his kids love me? And I found a place where it's true. And that now has now is now called Walking Stick retreats. We have a retreat twice a year, it is open to anybody. Our next one. I don't know when this is going to air. Our next one is the last weekend of April, April 29. Through may 1.

Stephanie Olson: 42:08

It should. It should err in April, beginning of April. I think so yeah.

Sue Bowles: 42:13

So then you then go to walkingstick retreats.org. Then we got something coming up from the fall. So it's open to anybody it is a safe place where you can just be you can either fight with God, you can wrestle you can, you know, have questions, you can just kind of soak it all in whatever you need to do for you on your journey. This so that started things the first year, that's what we'll go into more of this whole into the book. This is all in the book. That first year, I had to own my story. And this gets in that whole healing dream. Because I was in denial about my story I didn't like like, yeah, did my story. Right? So I didn't want to tell him by. Right. So because when if I tell him about him if I had known therefore it really happens. All right. Yeah. Right. So anyway, so the first year I opened my story, and there were a lot of tears around that. Yeah, when I call when I now call my sacred moment of release the next year. And this is an important part that I think people don't think about or gloss over. I had to grieve my story. Yes. My story has a lot of loss in it. Yes. And the sacred moment of release. The second year resulted in me heave crying for about 15 minutes. Yeah, that heart, and yet not one negative comment. Someone actually came over to me put his arm around me. And I later found out prayed God, whatever it is, put it on me. That's the community that is involved in this, this that's the caliber of love these things. Wow. The third year is where things started turn for me. This is when I started writing the book. And it was I left the retreat with the morsel that I am valuable to God. When I dared to believe that I met. Yeah, that's when things started to change. That's when everything else started happening. And it has just been a continual growth process since I always get some kind of morsel. And it's it's there's nothing special or magical about retreat. And I'm, I'm try very hard to make this point. What happens at the retreat, is that the staff gets out of the way and lets the Holy Spirit do his job. Yep. That's what happens there. It is different for each person. For me, when I came, I was so broken. I didn't even say Humpty Dumpty was going to have enough Yeah, put it back together again. Yeah, I was heading down the implosion throat. I was probably going to be heading towards self harm and very near future. So there's nothing magical about the retreat. It is simply the power of love. So all that is in the book and a whole lot more. book came out September 2019. In November 2020. At one second place nonfiction at the faith and fellowship Book Festival.

Stephanie Olson: 45:21

That's fabulous. Congratulations.

Sue Bowles: 45:24

Yeah, I was excited. It's my first book. It's self published. And it one won an award. So for me, that was validation that I'm doing some governance we do. Yeah. Oh, I love that. I have concepts for books two, three, and four. I'm just starting on number two right now. Yeah. And that's awesome. It's good. It's, it's, if my story can help somebody else I want to share that is that okay, bottom line. I used to be really hacked off with God. Yeah, why did any of these things that have happened in my life are a lot for anybody to handle. And all of it has happened in my life. I was hacked off why? You must hate me. Yeah. Why did you let this happen. And you know, I'm not getting into Theology at all. But what I have learned and come to appreciate is that I now have opportunity. And I don't want to say, right, but I have authenticity, to relate to a large number of people. And I wish it was, I wish there weren't those people out there that need to relate to that right? Time, I'm thankful for what God has done in my life, to allow me to be one of those people that can now relate to others. My business name is my step ahead. The concept is that you only have to be a step ahead to help the person behind you. Oh, I like we do like to think we have to have it all figured out. We have nothing to offer because I'm a screw up or I don't I don't have this little corner of my life, you know, on a row or whatever. And people are gonna like me or accept me or feeling qualified or whatever. That's a bunch of baloney. Yeah, you only have to be a step ahead. You have walked a journey, that someone else is also walking. And you can help that person with the knowledge you have, no matter how big or small that knowledge is. Yeah. So while I'm still reaching out for help, to help me in my next step, I want to reach back and help the person who's behind me, right? Yeah, there we have a whole human chain of support. That's what my step ahead is about. That is what Super Bowls coaching is all about, is helping people take that next step. That's what it that's what my life is about. And I it's an honor and a privilege when someone lets me into their life to help them take that next step. And I don't take that lightly. Yeah.

Stephanie Olson: 48:03

Yeah, that is beautiful. So so how can people get in touch with you? How can people utilize you as a coach and find your book?

Sue Bowles: 48:14

Yes, best place is Sibyls dot coms, BoWLes, there's a link to the book there, you can send me a message through the website. And I'll be in touch within 24 hours. And we can get to work if if there's a podcast, someone's wanting me to speak on or conference or I do all that. But also really just enjoy the one on one or group coaching. And in just real quickly, coaching and counseling are two different things, right? Counseling, deals with the past to bring you to the present. Coaching is what I do. And coaching takes you in the present and helps you get where you want to go. Right. I want to make sure I'm clear that that not that delineation. Yeah, that doesn't mean you can't contact me. In the course of our conversations. If I feel there's something that would be better served in counseling, we'll talk about that. Right? Right doesn't mean that doesn't mean I can't help you in coaching at the same time. I have clients who are seeing a counselor and we still coach. Yeah, because we're working on two different things. Sure. Absolutely. And that's my obligation and commitment to my clients. That's what I'm trying to do is know where those boundaries are. So don't make that decision for yourself. Because most likely there's something lying in your head anyway because they don't want you to change. That's right. So it's a privilege. I I'm honored to be able to do that. I also have just a little tip sheet I can give as called five tips to being unshakable. Oh great. And so so so if anyone wants to sign up for that, they can go to the website and sign up for that as well. I get that too. Oh, I

Stephanie Olson: 49:46

love that. I love that you are just an inspiration. I love that you are using your story to help other people. And that is really what it's all about. You are doing some amazing things and, and you are very courageous. I think that that is something that is evident and what a blessing that is to thanks. Yeah, thank you. Okay, so final question. Just like does resilience mean to you?

Sue Bowles: 50:19

Resilience means defining the events and not letting them define you.

Stephanie Olson: 50:26

Hmm. Oh, I like that. That's good. That's good. Well, this has been a pleasure, you and I, and I hope we can stay connected for sure. What a great work you're doing and I am getting your book. So absolutely. No, thank you. And thank you for being on the show. And everybody reached out to sue, buy her book and utilize that to go that next step in your journey and I thank you for joining us on resilience in life leadership. We'll see you next time. Thank you for listening. Please share with anyone you think will benefit from this podcast.